It took me alot of courage to blog this entry. Everything that i am going to blog now is about my genuine feelings about the death of my paternal grandmother's death and was undisclosed thus far. I am a very selfish person, a few days before my birthday, i was using every wish that i am entitled to to wish that my mama lelo does not pass away on my birthday. To me, birthdays are always an important occasion such that i would celebrate it every year. I did not want my birthday to clash with my grandmother's death anniversary as i would know that my birthday would become invalid. I would perhaps not celebrate my birthday anymore... ... ... ... ... ...
My family and i arrived @ mama's pasir ris home early to receive mama from the hospital. Some of the relatives were already there waiting too. The atmosphere was terrible. Everyone was glooming, sad, exhausted, fearful. An atmosphere that i never enjoyed and would not want to anymore. Mama finally came as most of us rushed to her room. We were only allowed in the room for awhile as we had to keep the room 'air-free'. While idling, gong-gong asked his grandchildren(us) to fix a lamp and his children to hang something. Uncle Danny(my 3rd-uncle) helped to hang while he stood on a stool to reach out. Just then, slanting too much, he became off-balance and slipped. His forehead knocked a chair nearby. He suffered from abrasion on his forehead and had 2 go to the hospital. Maybe, that was a signal that mama-lelo might not make it. But @ that time, i still believed that she will pull thru as i've been told that she still had a month to live. We left early that evening(abt 8pm) as dad said 'we should have a birthday dinner for celine as we might not have time 2moro.' PS: a dinner that was never regarded as a birthday dinner to me... ... ... ... ...
The night had passed and it was the day of my birthday. 'The' call that i might have anticipated did not arrive, so i assumed that mama lelo pulled thru. That morning, i was still enjoying my coffee and tv programs and thinking of where 2 have fun with my friends, not knowing wat had happened. Suddenly, i received a call from my maternal grandmother asking whether i had visited mama lelo. I told her we were going to visit her tat night and celebrate my birthday. I could tell that she was shocked as she continued, "u noe ur mama die already?". My tears rolled down immediately as i slammed the phone, shout out for my maid and started calling my mother. "mummy, mama lelo pass away already(still sobbing) u know or not?" She replied "yes". Jus then my maid came in and seemed to be shocked that i knew the truth. I slammed the phone again as she continued explaining, "Celine, who tell you 1? Ma'am say tonight then tell u. Today is your birthday, ma'am wan u to enjoy 1st" Of course the typical celine would then lock herself in her room as she called for her best friends weilin and felicia. While waiting for her best friends, celine was crying bitterly. The maid was worried, the maternal grandmother(mama) was worried, the mother was worried, so was the brother(older). Feeling guilty that she told celine the truth beforehand, mama kept calling wanting to apologise but celine jus wouldnt answer or unlock the door. All she wanted to do was cry. Unexpectedly, the mother comes home, worried about the daughter. she explained, " Mama lelo passed away this morning. we did not want to let u know the truth bcoz ur brother(older) wanted u to have a happy birthday". We were all weeping. Jus then, felicia arrived and we went bac to my room. I continued crying, feeling guilty that were every1 is enduring the truth, i was enjoying my coffee. Later, lin came. Though with my best friends, i managed to calm down, it was tough. I never told this to any1 before, in my heart, i felt as though i was a jinx for mama lelo to pass away on my birthday. I knew every1 was hurting but all i could do was to 'act' brave to @ least take away the guilt they felt towards me... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
I would like to thank Felicia Lee and Ong weilin for that support that they've given me on that day. I really appreciate it and if it was not for them, i might suffer from depression. Thank you very very much!
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